Butterfly Wings

I know I’ve been MIA but that’s what happens sometimes when you’re a single mom. Blogging daily proved to be a bit of a challenge so I’ll get some of my past notes into posts and moving forward you will hear from me every few days until I am officially around 14 weeks out from a show.

Some personal stuff happened that I’m not going to share and then I over-did it with my quad workout Friday in that I had pretty severe swelling in my knee for the 3 days following. It  made me rethink everything and almost give up because I thought I really messed up my knee, but the swelling has subsided and I thought about how to reconfigure my training. Essentially, I’m looking at possibly more frequency and even higher reps but less total volume for my quad training. But I will change things one at a time. And as always looking at exercise selection. Maybe the added leg press (my first exercise) was to jarring on my knee. I’m thinking about doing it last, single legged, with higher reps (close to 20 per set). It will be several days before I do another quad session as I have shoulders, hams, back and a rest day before I do a quad focused leg day again. I may do it as a fourth training day and then take a rest day except my knee felt better after my push day as thought just training kept the blood flowing and reduced the swelling without direct contact. Choosing cardio is also going to be a bit of a struggle. Trial and error. Main thing is to get the training down and consistent. I may have just done too much too soon.

Meanwhile, I had some time to think about this whole parenting while bodybuilding thing, which is something I think about pretty often since Anna is my reason for everything. I’ll tell you one of the biggest talks I had with my daughter yesterday was about how present am I in her life and how will she remember me and her childhood when she’s 25 and older looking back. This is important to me and I need to know I’m being a present parent. Bodybuilding is a selfish sport and it’s addictive. I’ve seen children destroyed over parents obsessing about missing gym sessions or long term exposure to parents constantly prepping. Children want their parents attention. It is something I am constantly evaluating as her “need” for me in her life changes through these growing stages.

Anna has never lacked confidence, never complained about any of her physical features, and never disliked anything about herself. I personally think that’s very rare with most kids these days and don’t ever want to mess that up. Several years ago (I think she was 8 years old) I asked her if there was anything about her body she would like to change and she said she would have butterfly wings if she could. She turned the question to me, “What would you change Momma?” I knew my response could be pivotal here so i followed suit and responded, “Anna, I think I would have a mermaid tail.”

Last year I was talking with Anna’s youth group leader and he said every child is screaming “Love me” you just have to figure out how they are actually saying it. He said, some are very loud and some are quiet but they’re all saying the same thing. That really stuck with me and made me think more empathetically about people in general. Most people are hurting, unfortunately.

At bed time we read a chapter from Trumpet Of the Swan (yes we read at bedtime) and after we started talking. So I asked Anna what she was going to remember about her mom..

Me: Was I present and available for you throughout your life so far?

Anna: Yes. Sometimes too much lol

Me: You know I work my ass off for this family, right?

Anna: Yes, and yet you have a butt. (laughs)

Me: Are you embarrassed by your mom or are we mostly cool.

Anna: I don’t recall you ever embarrassing me, but I’m sure it happened.

Me: I’ll try harder lol. (She rolls over and hugs me.)

I am blessed and I have a good thing here. I prolly couldn’t mess it up at this point if I tried, but I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

Today was a rest day and I didn’t track calories.Tomorrow is a long work day and push day. Stay tuned…